Play

FINAL DRAFT. NO MORE EDITS PLEASE! PRINT THESE AND READ EM BITCHES!

Characters

Fester (Feste): Mage
Olivia: Kaylee

Fabian: Simron
Andy (Sir. Andrew): Nigel

Viola (Cesario): Nicole

Duke: Brendan

Sebastian: Sydney

Anthony (Antonio): Stacy

Melvin (Malvolio): Nigel

Patrick (Priest): Simron

Toby (Sir. Toby): Simron

Campus Security: Cheung

[Fester and Fabian sit alone in classroom. Fester is noticeably agitated, surfing the net]

Fabian: Whats wrong with you today Fester?

Whats that email your reading?

Fester: Do me a favour,

Fabian: Sure, what?

Fester: don’t ask. Its not addressed to you, anyway [closes laptop]

[Enter Duke, Viola (Cesario), from stage left They sit beside the pair]

Duke: Yo, Fester, Fabian, have you seen Olivia?

Fester: Not today, but she usually spends her breaks in CAB.

Duke: Do me a favour and go get her. Tell her that Duke has something to ask her.

[Duke slips Fester some money]

Fester: Do I get another tip when I come back with her?

Duke: just go get her

Fester: I’ll take that as a maybe, keep your wallet open.

[Exit Fester & Fabian, stage left]

[enter stage left: Anthony and campus security]

Viola: hey, it’s Anthony, the guy who helped me in the brawl

Duke: Really? Him? I saw him snooping

around Mrs. Gordon desk awhile back, right around the time the answer key for the quizes disappeared. Man he always messes up my life, at least now he’s getting his just desserts.

I can’t believe he’s even willing to show his face.

Campus Security: Mr. Orsino, is this the man you saw looking around Professor Gordon’s desk? We found him lurking behind some of the campus bars, already in a fight.

Viola: In a fight? Ya, he was helping me…

Duke: Well thief, or should I say wannabe thief, considering you just got caught. I’m amazed you dared show up on campus, considering everyone would be looking for you.

Anthony: how dare you accuse me, Mr. high and mighty. You should watch who you make friends with, that punk beside you is a lying jokester. I bailed him out of trouble, helped around campus, even lent him my one card for photocopying, and now he pretends we haven’t even met. [turning to Viola] What a friend you are.

Viola: what? I’ve never even met you before.

Duke: Likely story Anthony

Anthony: Considering we’re in all the same classes, English, Pysch Chem, Physics 124 and Math. You know the class where our arms sometimes touch.

Duke:
[to Anthony] That’s ridiculous, all semester Cesario has had classes with me! He doesn’t even take physics!

[Enter Olivia, stage left, sits on desk edge]
Damn Olivia, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Olivia: What do you want Duke? Besides what you can’t have.

Duke: Ouch Girl, that hurts

Olivia: Why so persistent?

Duke: Because I’m crazy about you Olivia! Everyone knows it. That’s why I’ve been asking you out so much! What am I supposed to do? I know you must like me too Olivia! Who

doesn’t? [To Viola] Lets get outta here, I can’t sit in class with her all afternooon.

[they move towards right door, Olivia follows]

Viola: Sure.

Olivia: Where are you going Cesario?

Viola: With Duke, because if I were you I wouldn’t treat him so badly.

He’s a really great guy you know.

Olivia: You’re not making any sense Cesario! You lied to me!

Viola: How have I lied?! I haven’t!

Olivia: Have you forgotten? Where is Patrick? He saw! [screams] PATRICK!

Duke: Lets go Cez, she’s nuts.

Olivia: No! Stay Cesario, sweetheart.

Duke: Sweetheart?

Olivia: Yes! We’re going to the party tonight, together remember! How can you deny that?

Viola: I didn’t agree to anything like that!

Olivia: You spineless liar!

[Enter Patty, stage right]

Patty! You heard me ask him to the party, and he accepted. Right?

Patty: Yea of course, I was sitting right beside you.

[exit Patty, stage right]

Viola: I swear I didn’t! You gotta believe me Duke!

Olivia: Don’t be afraid of him Cesario! Just tell the truth!

[Enter Andy stage left. Viola, Duke and Olivia move back to centre]

Andy: For the love of God, get a Doctor!

Olivia: A doctor? Why, what happened?

Andy: Look at this [points to injury], he’s given one just like it to Toby, only a billion times worse. Somebody get a doctor for pete’s sake. I just wanna go home.

Olivia: My God! Who would do this?

Andy: Who else? Cesario, that boy played at being a coward, but fights like the devil.

Duke: Cesario? Your kidding that doesn’t even make sense. What drunking game are you guys playing this time?

Andy: Ah-ha! Therehe is, the devil (point wildly at Cesario). Look at what you did, all for a little game. I never even touched you and this is what I get. Heck, it wasn’t even my idea.

Viola: What do you mean me? I’ve been sitting here studying for the last 3 blocks. Besides you’re the ones who threatened me.

[Enter Toby and Fester and Fabian, stage left]

Andy: Look at him, he’s been battered black and blue, he can’t even walk. You little jerk. Consider yourself lucky, if there hadn’t been a toga party last night, Toby would have showed you a thing or two.

Duke: This is ridiculous, none of this makes sense.

Toby: (limping on stage, hanging drunk and hurt off of Fester’s arm)Its him! Doctor!

Fester: Are you so drunk that you didn’t even notice the medicenter is closed?

Toby: closed? That’s like a happy hour without alcohol, heck that makes no sense.

Olivia: ew! Please someone deal with him, he’s bleeding all over the floor. Who would even bother fighting a couple of drunks?

Andy: I can’t see where we’re not wanted, let’s see if we can find some med student to help.

[exit Feser, Toby and Andy, stage left]

[Enter Sebastian stage left]

Sebastian: [To Olivia] Baby, Im sorry I hurt Andy,[Olivia looks shocked/confused] please don’t give me that look.

Duke: HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? WHAT IS GOING ON?!

Sebastian: Anthony! I’m sorry I missed our tutoring session yesterday!

Anthony: Sebastian? Its you? Your with HER?[Approaches Sebastian] YOU BITCH! [Slaps Sebastian]

Campus Security: Whats wrong with you two?!

Anthony: It just upsets me, I loved him so much!

Sebastian: Hey man! I made it clear we were just friends

Anthony: OH THE AGONY!

[Campus security drags Anthony away, exit stage left]

Duke: Wait, Hold up! Cez, how is there TWO of you?

Olivia: [Looks from Sebastian to Viola aside to the audience] Two for the

price of one! Aren’t I a lucky girl!?

Sebastian: [seeing Viola] Who are you?! I don’t have a brother

Viola: I’m Viola! Are you really Sebastian!?

Sebastian: Of course I am!

Viola: Well only my brother would be able to tell me who my first crush was!

Sebastian: It was our cousin, Donny! & you don’t look anything like my sister, only she would know when I stopped wetting the bed!

Viola: When you were twelve!

[They hug]

Viola: I thought you were dead! They told me it was a particle accelerator accident!

Sebastian: I wasn’t killed, It was just a small accident! Things like that happen when tiny particles of matter collide at the speed of light, and anyways... I dont really want to talk about what happened.. But what about you? Why are are dressed in my clothes?!

Viola: I wanted to write the midterm in this class before I had to write it in my own. You know how bad I am at essays.

Duke: So then... Viola, all those things you said to me in the locker room, about my muscles, and how handsome I am.. those were all true?

Viola: Of course! Your so attractive Duke.

Duke: Well boy am I relieved! I was getting worried that maybe I was turning gay like Melvin or something! Why don’t you go put your party dress on and we can go out tonight?

Olivia: Melvin? He’s not gay! Hes bi! I mean after all he was after me for a while. [Looks around room]

Sebastian: [interrupts] Thats because your so lovely babe.

Olivia: [giggles] Where on earth is he anyway?! Someone go get him.

[Enter Fester, stage left, he opens the laptop]

Fester: I got an email from Melvin earlier, he sounds beyond mad. Its for you Olivia.

Olivia: What does it say?

Fester: (in a high pitched, shrill, mocking voice) To my dearest Olivia

Olivia: What are you doing? Are you sloshed like Toby always is?

Fester: I’m Reading it just like Melvin would.

Fabian: (takes laptop). “I can’t stop thinking about you Olivia, I don’t know how you can act so cruel, playing with me and all. First you say one thing than another. I can’t take it anymore, I need a straight answer” – Melvin

[Says Melvin with a high pitched voice]

[Enter Melvin, stage left]

Melvin: Olivia! are we just going to pretend this never happened? this is a text from you yesterday saying(text put on projector at this point, havent made that part up yet but ill make it say something good). So I go to the party wearing yellow tights like you said, and that toby guy tied me up and put me in the janitor's closet! I missed mny midterm this morning, and my mom grounded me for stealing her clothes again

Olivia: Im sorry Mel, but this text isn’t from me.

Melvin: Girl that is so your number!

Olivia: It isn’t! I never use “lol” that much in texts! Thats obvious. Someone must have sent this from my phone.

Fabian: Olivia, man I feel bad, let me explain. Toby and Andrew convinced Maria to write that text to play a cruel joke on him. Maria did it, and now Andrew and her are dating.

Olivia: Thats so cruel of them. Im so sorry Mel

Melvin: Thats right! and you better believe Im gonna go give them a piece of my mind! I gotta go get my revenge on!

[Exit Melvin, stage left]

Duke: Someone should really go after him...

[Exit Fabian after him.]

Now Cesario, lets get you into that party dress..

[Music starts, everyone onstage and anyone offstage enters and begins dancing with eachother]

Feste: When that I was and a little tiny boy,

With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

A foolish thing was but a toy,

For the rain it raineth every day.

But when I came to man's estate,

With hey, ho, & the wind and the rain,

'Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,

For the rain, it raineth every day

But when I came, alas! to wive,

With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

By swaggering could I never thrive,

For the rain, it raineth everyday

But when I came unto my beds,

With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

With toss-pots still had drunken heads,

For the rain, it raineth everyday

A great while ago the world begun,

With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

But that's all one, our play is done,

And we'll strive to please you every day.